Merriam-Webster defines "lonely" as: being without company; cut off from others; not frequented by human beings; sad from being alone; producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation.
Who else has felt these very feelings?! (Just imagine my hand thrust as high in the air as I can reach.)
Loneliness is an ugly and intrusive thing. My story of loneliness is one that has taken me a long time to figure out. Let me give you a little bit of back story...
Growing up, I always had a hard time with wondering why people didn't seem to like me. Not that I wanted to be popular, but I just noticed the other relationships around me and I always seemed to be on the outside looking in. It's something that I struggle with to this day.
When we moved to New Hampshire in June of 2015, my loneliness began to really manifest itself. I knew no one except my husband's family. I would eventually get to know the people from our church, but I had no friends. None. No one seemingly wanted to spend time with me no matter how hard I tried. Everyone was always so busy and seemingly didn't have time to work on a new relationship. It was so bad, y'all, that when I was pregnant with my second son, no one came to my baby shower but my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law. It was heartbreaking. The loneliness was unbearable. The desire for connection was overwhelming. It manifested itself in loathing myself and blaming the environment around me.
There were a lot of times that I tried to explain it to my poor husband, but I would get so angry and emotional that I didn't do a very good job of it. Sadly, I took a lot of my bleakness out on him.
When we got the opportunity to move back down south, we jumped on it. Him wanting the opportunity and me wanting to just get away from anything northern. We did both pray and feel like this was where the Lord was leading us to go and we love living here.
But you know something? Long story short, it's taken me nearly 5 years to have a "friend circle". Five. Years. We will have been here for 6 years in August. Within the past 6 months have I developed friendships at my sons' taekwondo academy that we've been going to for 2 years. It's been a long journey.
It's been a journey that has included all the things the definition mentioned. Feeling cut off, sad, bleak, desperate, desolate, and sometimes even depressed. So many prayers prayed for friendships and the sense of belonging, but only finding the cliché answers when going to others for advice. Not having anyone that "gets" it.
Loneliness will drive you mad, friends. Satan knows the cup of an extrovert is fed by meaningful relationships and fun. He will use and twist those desires to distract us from remembering to cling to the Word instead of our surroundings. So many times I spent saying "woe is me" instead of clinging to the truth of the Word (Phil. 4:8-9). And it's hard, y'all. It's so very hard. Satan knows how to manipulate our weakest points. He knows my ultimate weakness is meaningful relationships and he attacks that often. He knows that I want to have a sense of belonging.
Friends, find something to belong to. Even if it's an online book club. Find something that fills your cup. And if you're sitting there saying, "I've tried and tried and tried, but I can't find anything," know that someone else is out there saying the same thing. You are never alone.
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